Early morning musing.

The sound of a spoon scraping a yogurt container is fairly unique. (Not only way to make that sound 'unique' but not terribly common.) This morning that sound seemed empty, magnified, or off in some way. It could be because I am eating yogurt at a stupidly early time (before 6am) when I should be sleeping. But, as I sit here I realize, it's because there is no cat meowing in the background. As I said it is a fairly unique sound, and not just to me but to my cats. For years, whenever I ate yogurt, one or more cats would come running at that sound. And start meowing so I would give them the container to lick it clean.

It's been years since I lived with a cat, and I am miss them more at times like this, when I would have been the focus of so much attention and affection. Well, at least until I handed over the container.

Reviewing goals.

I previously posted my goal of 10% weight loss. While my goal was specific and positive, it clearly did not fit my lifestyle. Since making this goal in January, I have gained and lost a few pounds. In the grand scheme though I am only down by 0.4 pounds. Not a great deal considering the amount of time elapsed, but perhaps reflective of the amount of effort. I specified that I would accomplish this goal through tracking my food, packing healthy snacks for school, and swimming/doing wii fit for 30 mins each day. I had issues in all three areas. Most of all, I never made time for myself to go swimming. I believe that I went swimming at most twice this past term. I need to schedule time for swimming and exercise into my day. I would try and then my advisor would always want to schedule a meeting over the only 2 hours available in the pool. I am not going to let that happen this coming term, I am unavailable for meetings during those few hours.
So I need to make a plan to reach my goal of 10% weight loss. I need a plan that is achievable. I need to find goals that are more specific, still positive, fit in my lifestyle, and are measurable. I think I need baby steps.

Letter to self.

Dear self, this is what happens when you don't track your food, you gain weight. It is obvious.

Goals not met.

I did not meet my goals. In fact, I even forgot that I had made any. I forgot about my drive and determination until P. reminded me about my thoughts written in this blog. I got a cold at the beginning of february and the flu at the beginning of march. It seems since moving to this area I have gotten everything. It has been a tough couple of months. I feel like I am getting back on track, if not fully, at least partially.
Regarding WeightWatchers: I have been able to track most of my food this week. I have even managed some exercise and have tracked that too.
I had a little bit of a slip up on thursday in this regard. I teach a late lab on thursdays and I am unable to schedule meals accordingly. The lab falls right when I would ideally be eating dinner. And with the long commute it is so late by the time I get home I have trouble waiting. So inevitably I end up snacking in the car all the way home. Not a great idea.

Time management.

I have none. But I need to learn quickly. These are all of the things I am trying to do right now:
grad school: thesis proposal, research, teaching, classes, field season
home: organize the house, clean the house, get cleaning people, unpack
life: lose weight, plan a wedding, get a driver's licence, plan a housewarming party, learn to bike, learn to cook
All of this is stressing me out and making me sick. I wish I could cut back on a few things.

Disease.

I have a disease. It's hard to think of it that way. Most people don't think of it as a disease - just extra fat. But it's becoming clear that obesity is a disease, and if I think about it that way, maybe that will help me overcome it. Maybe thinking of it as an illness that needs treating - and treatment is an option - then maybe I will finally beat it. Maybe then I will finally get things under control.
Right now, exercise is the last thing on my mind. You wouldn't skip chemo treatments because they don't fit into your busy schedule or dialysis if it was inconvenient right? But somehow, I skip working out, skip wii fit, skip the pool at school, skip taking that walk in the afternoon, I skip it all. Maybe I should get a jumprope - skipping that would be fun and helpful.
It's time for a change. I'm signed up for Weight Watchers, I have access to wii fit and a pool. It's time to make this work. Starting today, I cannot change the past, I cannot even take back eating all of those fruit snacks today. But I can try to change what I do in the future present. I can remember how it feels to be like this - out of energy, tired, and not pretty. I can remember my goal. I want to reach my goal weight and I will get there, if I am strong.
So I am setting my goal here. I will be accountable to you and me. My goal must be positive, specific, within my control, and fit within my lifestyle.
So my goal is to reach my 10% target, a weight loss of 9 lbs. I will accomplish this by tracking the food that I eat this week, packing healthy snacks for school, and adding swimming or 30 mins of wii fit each day. I will gain back my deficit through exercise.

On Grief.

Recently, I was told a relative was very sick and struggling with cancer. I was kept in the dark about the illness for quite some time and it seems that the outlook is now a bit bleak. I feel like there is a little grief monster sitting right on my trachea, threatening my ability to breathe on a whim. When I walk down a hall or stop and pause for a moment there it is, pressing down on my lungs and throwing sand in my eyes.