Disease.

I have a disease. It's hard to think of it that way. Most people don't think of it as a disease - just extra fat. But it's becoming clear that obesity is a disease, and if I think about it that way, maybe that will help me overcome it. Maybe thinking of it as an illness that needs treating - and treatment is an option - then maybe I will finally beat it. Maybe then I will finally get things under control.
Right now, exercise is the last thing on my mind. You wouldn't skip chemo treatments because they don't fit into your busy schedule or dialysis if it was inconvenient right? But somehow, I skip working out, skip wii fit, skip the pool at school, skip taking that walk in the afternoon, I skip it all. Maybe I should get a jumprope - skipping that would be fun and helpful.
It's time for a change. I'm signed up for Weight Watchers, I have access to wii fit and a pool. It's time to make this work. Starting today, I cannot change the past, I cannot even take back eating all of those fruit snacks today. But I can try to change what I do in the future present. I can remember how it feels to be like this - out of energy, tired, and not pretty. I can remember my goal. I want to reach my goal weight and I will get there, if I am strong.
So I am setting my goal here. I will be accountable to you and me. My goal must be positive, specific, within my control, and fit within my lifestyle.
So my goal is to reach my 10% target, a weight loss of 9 lbs. I will accomplish this by tracking the food that I eat this week, packing healthy snacks for school, and adding swimming or 30 mins of wii fit each day. I will gain back my deficit through exercise.

On Grief.

Recently, I was told a relative was very sick and struggling with cancer. I was kept in the dark about the illness for quite some time and it seems that the outlook is now a bit bleak. I feel like there is a little grief monster sitting right on my trachea, threatening my ability to breathe on a whim. When I walk down a hall or stop and pause for a moment there it is, pressing down on my lungs and throwing sand in my eyes.